Saturday, October 29, 2011

A Life Shared with a Twist of Dysfunction

Growing up in a single parent home must have been a struggle for my Mother. I always thought that she must have cried herself to sleep at night many times in her life. I can now say that her life was less of a struggle, in that she was around a supportive family of Brothers and Sisters. I feel that in ones mind we create and recreate situations, trying desperately to redefine and rediscover our own personal identities. Pulled down by others, in what feels, appears to be a dysfunctional family.What are the boundaries? Have we set and kept them and are those boundaries kept with the toxins in our lives; the toxic people that can knock us down at a moments notice with simple a few negative words? Do you today, even know who those toxic people are in your lives? Growing  up is hard enough, however to have to start all over at the ages of 20 and 30 makes it much more difficult in that we are, "Re-learning," and "Revisiting," who we truly are in life as individuals. Toxicity comes in many shapes, forms,and sizes in life and can tear a spirit and soul in half, if you are not truly careful in your lives.  No one is at fault or in the wrong in a dysfunctional family. Maybe I, just as yourselves possibly, was chosen so that I may share my thoughts and visions with you in my new book; this book I started a few days ago which will possibly be titled, "A Life Shared with a Twist of Dysfunction." I was recently compared to someone that had fallen in a dark hole yet my friend Nyla could see my eyes. She knew I was in a rut and would find my way out, (hence throwing me a rope as well so that I could climb out of the hole), which I always do in life, no matter what the struggle. I am a survivor, not a victim in my life. I am solution-oriented, not problem-oriented. There is a definite difference in the two of those--problem oriented OR solution oriented. I was working my way through something; most of my life has been spent working through or towards something in life. I seemed to be that girl that was working on being someone my parents would be truly proud of and I can remember my father's visits like they were yesterday. I wanted to scream,  "Hear me! See me! Tell me how great you think I am, Dad! Talk about me like you talk about total strangers at a bar." I felt like I did not measure up in his eyes all my life; to his expectations. I was truly blessed to have those last four years with him, when we spent ample time together, getting to know each other and bonding with him. He kinda knew me, however never as well a s my Mother.  Mother heard my illness in tones, even when I was on the telephone; she knew I was not taking my allergy medication merely by my voice. She, somehow knew everything about me. Now, I, as a Mother, a Single Mother know my own Mother's struggles. The one thing that she never wanted for me is for me to struggle as she did in her life. Well, here I am, Mom! At least I am not sleeping in a BART bathroom like Will Smith and his son in the famed movie, "The Pursuit of Happiness." It is truly amazing the grace that has refueled my life today, in simply regaining a sliver of my own Independence again in my life.I am not certain when my life truly began, when I was set free of the toxic bondage's in my life; it may be right now, with you, here today.

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